they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
