I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
Randomize
