Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Randomize
