Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
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