Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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