On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
