My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
