What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
