highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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