I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
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