dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
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