You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
