some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Randomize
