Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Randomize
