I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Randomize
