If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
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