I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
If that was your dad, he is hot
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
