I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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