Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
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