just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
