how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
She told me I should be a condom model.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Randomize
