Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Someone came in the potted fern
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
