the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Randomize
