i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Randomize
