My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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