dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
Only in Montana can you find Septic Services that would display "Christian owned and operated" on the side of the truck. I'm oddly going to miss this state.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
