Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
Randomize
