Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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