The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize
