Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
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