just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Houston, we have a squirter
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
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