oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
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