swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
Randomize
