Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
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