God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Randomize
