I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Randomize
