hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Randomize
