it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Randomize
