I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Randomize
