i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I can't turn off my feet"
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
