Already got asked if we're dating
I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
