he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
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