So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
