Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
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