My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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