If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Randomize
