Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
