I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
