i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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