you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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