this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
You're like the curious george of whores
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
